I once was working in a photo studio, six months pregnant, when a gorgeous male model told me to get off my cell phone. I was talking to my doctor and when I hung up, model guy spouted off about radiation, fetal brain development and hyperactivity. I thought to myself, how could a twenty-something shirtless man in flat-front pants know this? Three years later, as my son winds up like a Chucky doll on crack, I’m starting to wonder.

But this beefed up, Rock Hudson looking model also went around the studio telling our merchandise coordinator to put down her lucky 10-year-old pink plastic water can, something about DIOXIN danger, and had she heard about juice made from deer antler velvet? “You mean, like Bambi?” she said, fanning her hands out over her head, giving him a shut-the-fu*k up look.

Model boy then was on a plight to convince all of us that in the future Earth as we knew it would be swallowed up and taken over by vicious rodents (and certain amphibians). Screw aliens and the Book of Revelation. We were going to be devoured by killer frogs. And he really believed this emphatically, to the point it made him perspire, causing his eyes to dilate.

Needless to say, the next day (Busy Billy we’ll call him) leveled down, slept through his set times and then got fired for the remainder of his booking.

But from time to time, I still think about Busy Billy when I see people around the city wearing these…

These finger toe shoes creep me out to no end. Just like fuggly bare feet on airplanes. You airport people are probably the ones wriggling your rubber toes under dress pants on BART and walking across Market St. Please cut it out! I hope you are devoured by overgrown city rats the size of sheep, and according to a recent article in the Independent, this really could happen.

Mind you, on a lighter note, I am not at all threatened by animal-esque trends. And I actually find this one quite endearing…

Especially looks designed by Anna Sui.

Soon let’s discuss weird 80s trends because I just saw some delicious ones on Buzzfeed.

Until then, stay away from wide-eyed male models and rubber-toed civilians.

– From your sanguine Conspiracy Trendist