I don’t believe in the Zodiac and horoscopes. Don’t believe everyone born in my moon in my birth month, has a personality and problems just like mine. That would practically mean 1 out of every 12 people are easygoing, creative and flighty.

And yet in uncertain times far beyond my control, I reach for the absurd. Because in the mess of needles, estrogen patches and pills, my stomach has ballooned out with other disgusting side effects I won’t get into. And with my magic Google powers, I’ve found evidence of psychic wisdom from The Onion:

Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 4, 2014

Gemini

The clown car may be an overworked reference, but the doctors can think of no better way to describe the constant stream of clowns issuing from your abdominal cavity.

Holy smokes! What prophetic shit. Just 3 hours before I saw this we had an ultrasound. Yes, my lining is thick, and plump for the embryo taking and there are weird little men doing gymnastics in my uterus.

In another stupid, expanded search, I also learned this about myself:

Everyone loves a Gemini because everyone loves a schizophrenic. You like to think that you are a half-and half mixture of Socrates and Michelangelo, but in reality it’s more like Prince and Bea Arthur. Geminis are pushy and overbearing. They pick fights with small children and moon people at weddings. Geminis use far-fetched analogies to describe philosophical concepts. Geminis are always on some sort of medication. This medication is not always legal. Geminis are frequently abidextrous, which means that they can pick both sides of their noses at the same time. The Gemini is essentially nothing more than a paranoid Aquarius.

I really in all honesty just can’t deny all of this.

I’ll leave you guessing which parts.

If you’d like to see what’s in the stars for you, try this link here.

Good luck, and avidazen good night.